{4 minutes to read} People who are in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser know what a roller coaster ride it can be. There are three stages in this relationship which occur in a continuous rotating cycle.
Stage 1: Idolization
This is the stage that keeps you in the game. It’s the beginning of the cycle and can be most important to the abuser. It can last three weeks or three months. The relationship is good and it’s memorable, even earth-moving at times. You are swept off your feet by a whirlwind of romance, promises, and events. The narcissist will place you on a pedestal, telling you everything you want to hear.
In this stage, things will happen that will remain in your memory forever. As if you are in a movie, it draws you in. It is sweet and it’s like nothing you have ever experienced. You fall in love, fast and hard. The narcissist will have stolen your heart.
This stage is meant to be grandiose. It will become the high you chase for the rest of the relationship and will continue to make brief appearances to keep you wanting more. The problem is that it won’t last.
Stage 2: Devaluing
The devaluing stage is when you wake up from the dream! It feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under you or you got punched in the stomach. In this stage, the abuser will start to insult you. They will begin to covertly degrade you. It will be subtle and you will be unsure whether you have truly been insulted or if you are being overly sensitive.
This is exactly what the narcissist wants you to believe — that this is your issue not his/hers. They will show no remorse or empathy, and you will feel betrayed by this person who you trusted. The purpose of this stage for the narcissist is to slowly pick away at all you are as a person. This stage is made to weaken you and uncover any insecurities, allowing the narcissist to have full control over you. That control is necessary for the next stage.
Stage 3: Discard
The third stage of the cycle is the discarding stage when you will often be stonewalled, ignored, and emotionally neglected. At this point, the desperation will be so maddening that you will do anything to get back to Stage 1. You will beg to do what you don’t want to do in order to get back what you have lost. The narcissist will throw crumbs in your direction, and you will feast on them. They will send you mixed messages, betraying you then saying he/she can’t live without you. It’s called the “push and pull.”
And then the cycle begins again.
These stages coexist in an endless continuum to the point of insanity. You will be a shadow of who you once were. Friends and family will slowly be pushed aside. There will be brief moments of satisfaction but this is just to keep you in the prison he/she calls your life.
It won’t end until you become aware and empowered. Change is possible through desire, decisions, and awareness. Therapy will help. Support is a must. It won’t be easy but it is possible to break free from this cycle. The only thing you need to do is accept the reality of the situation and take steps to remove yourself from it.
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